Redwall: Warlords

(Here it is. The soon to be oddest role-play)

The great and unusually handsome Martin Matin walked up to the gates of Redwall Abbey and gracefully knocked on the wooden gate. The doors opened up a bit to reveal a squirrel, looking at the great and handsome figure before her. "Wot tha bloody hall puked you heer?" Martin looked at her, confused. "Uh, what did you say m'lady?" She scoffed and opened the gates further. "I will repeat meself, you bloody deaf oaf. Wot the bloody hall upchucked you on tha front gate of our Abbey, you?"

"So I sez to 'im, 'How come you have a hawk feather in yer cap, Mister Weasel?"
Look, here are two Redwallers. One is a fattish hedgehog with a half-full pint in his left paw. The other is a huge otter wearing a ridiculous hat, who appears to be drinking from a bucket. The otter is leaning against a keg.
"An' then wut 'appened?"
They appear to be quite drunk in the middle of the afternoon, and have set up to enjoy the baking summer heat in the middle of the Abbey grounds.
"So then 'e sez 'Because the hawk feather is a sign o' kingship, yer honor."
The otter appears to be telling a story, which the hedgehog is fascinated by. A nearby dibbun attempts to throw a tomato at them and misses. Neither notices.
"An' then I took the feather and there was a fight."

Both pause to take a drink. The otter appears to notice the squashed tomato, stares for a minute, and shrugs. The hedgehog clears his throat loudly.
"So y' toke tha father."
The otter nods.
"And then they made me their king."

Both pause and stare over at the gate suddenly. There is some yelling going on. After a moment the otter pounds the rest of his bucket and weaves his way over to the gate, humming brightly. The hedgehog presently follows along, still holding a now-empty mug in his paw.
"A mouse!" the otter states brightly after staring for a long minute. The hedgehog shakes his head.
"Na, na, a squirl."
"No, a mouse! See, right thar, he's got um..he's got.."
What the mouse has seems to evade the otter. The hedgehog clears his throat.
"S'um, a dress. Aye."
"Aye," the otter says. "A dress."

"This is a one-of-a-kind wool tunic made from the greatest weavers in my hometown!" The mouse yelled at the squrrelmaid. She quickly grabbed the neck of the shirt, pulling Martin in. "This is a COTTON shirt, you bloody arse. Now either go inside or get out of my face!", and to top it off, she threw him onto the ground. Martin yelled back, "How dare you dirty a hero's clothing!". The yet-to-be-named(her name is Fresca Beech) squirrel laughed and quickly lashed back "Wot kinda hero complains 'bout BLOODY CLOTHES!?"

Meanwhile somewhere in the western sea:
Ivan was in a foul mood. They were far behind schedule and had lost their mast and had to row all the way. To pass the time he played capture the king with his 3rd in command. "How long do you reckon before we're there?", he asked.

"Well, sire, there's a big ol' mountain in the horizon, so hopefully we'll be there in a few days." the short, chubby weasel told him, moving a piece up. "So... how do we play this again?" he commented, still figuring out the basics of this cryptic game.

Meanwhile, back at the mountain, the Long Patrol was finally home after a long weeks of battling savage fish and warring with annoying bugs. One of them, a tall, lean hare with graying hair, lead the group. "All right, you mongrels, we're here. If anyone has a complaint about the pointlessness of the travel, please raise your paw." Immediately, most of the group raised their paws, even the more experienced hares. Drubbish, the gray haired hare who we were talking about, scowled at them, and simply left to talk with the Badger Lord. There was something more important than complaints on hiss mind.

Somewhere on the road to the abbey:

Gaius Marius and his troops had been marching for a long time searching for Redwall Abbey when a scout came back and reported to Marius that Redwall Abbet was off in the distance. Marius ordered his men(also known as "Marius's Mules") into the forest. "Alright men keep your heads down and be quiet at all times," Marius told them. Then turned to his officers and asked, "What do you think they have for a garrison at Redwall?"

Salamandastron:
Badger Lord Cyphel was at the forge window, staring blankly off across the sea. He had barely slept a wink the night before, because of the nightmares. These last few were the most horrifying, and Cyphel found himself considering that they might actually be omens. When Drubbish returned, he'd have to meet with him and discuss his dreams. Drubbish would be able to tell him what they meant.

Somewhere in the western sea:
Ivan's Second in command, Dræden, came back up from belowdecks where he had been supervising the rowers. He approached Ivan and waited for his superior to acknowledge his presence.

Somewhere on the road to the abbey:
One of the officers raised her paw. "Sir, I've heard a few tales about Redwall. I think you ought to hear them."

((I forgot to mention that this a longboat. all the rowers are above deck but whatever))

In the western sea:

"Well look who decided to drop in. Make your report."

On the road to the abbey:

" Alright speak your piece Captain."

In the western seas:
"Cap'n. Bit a disturbance with d'rowers. Ended up with two dead. How much longer d'we gotta sail fer?"

The road to the Abbey:
Krowdon makes her way past the other officers so she's directly in front of Gaius. " My father used to tell me stories of the Redwall Abbey place. He said that there have been warlords and armies, much stronger than our own, who have attempted to conquer it and failed. Its also rumored to have a weapon of great beauty and power. Of course, those tales are from seasons long past. You know what I think, Lord Gaius? I think over the seasons, they've gone soft. I want to attack."

Western Sea:
"We'll keep sailing just till we reach the shore near that mountain. Ye say two died, how did they die?"

Road to the abbey:
"Yes but did they have Testudo like us? No, all they had were a bunch of idiots who were sent to hellgates by their stupidity! Now march!"

((added some things from the redwall universe. just tell me if I have to take 'em out.))

Western Sea:
"Three of 'em started fightin' each other. One took an oar to d'back a his neck. snapped right in 'alf. Other one got choked. The feller who survived, I 'ad 'im tied up."

On The read to the Abbey:
Testudo? That was his strategy? Krowdon though Gaius was sorely mistaken if he thought that was all he was going to need to conquer the Abbey. She ran up to where her leader was, and Kept pace beside him. "Gaius, dont you think we need to gather more intelligence before just, attacking?"

Western Sea:
"Well what are ye waiting for? Bring 'em in!"

On Road to the Abbey:
"What makes you say that? And besides if the Testudo fails we can use our siege equipment."

((it's funny that the wolf seems smarter than the weasel))

(( Krowdon is a Fox.))

Western Sea
Dræden whistles, and two other crew members drag a weasel up onto the top deck. The weasel spots Ivan, and spits on the ground to share his distaste for his leader.

The road to the Abbey
"Dont you want to know for certain what sort of creatures these Abbeybeasts are? If they have any warriors? I mean, for all we know, they have siege equipment too, and far outnumber us."

((I not talking about yer Krowdon I was talking Ivan about because he is a wolf))

Western Sea:
Ivan sees the weasel spit and asks,"Do ye want to feed the fishes with your cold, dead body? Because I arrange that." Draws battleaxe from belt. "Now start talkin'...worm!"

Road to the Abbey:
"What makes you say they've got siege engines? And besides you said yourself that you wanted to attack because you thought they had all gone soft."

((can we call the weasel Thrane?))

Western Sea:

" Start talkin' about wot, boss? Why I'm fed up with bein' on this boat? why we could have been nice an' happy on land before you dragged us out here on some fools errand? What are we even doin'?"

Road to the Abbey
"Aye. I only think they've gone soft. Dont you want to check? Why dont you let me take care of intelligence? Better safe than sorry."

Western Sea:
Those were the last words that Thrane would ever say. Ivan swung his axe and crashed it down upon Thrane's skull spilling his back teeth onto the deck " Now anyone else feel like challenging my authority and you'll end up like him." he motions to the two crew members who brought him in"Throw him into the sea. It's where the scum belongs."

Road to the Abbey:
"Fine. Go and pick forty able-bodied beast then come back and report to me. I want no mistakes."

((no arguments with me calling Thrane?))

Western Sea:
The crew members did as they were asked and then returned to their posts.

The road to the Abbey:
"Yes sir."
Krowdon picks out 40 beasts, and leads them off into Mossflower. Once inside the woods, she orders them to split up and find anybeast at all, and bring them back to her.
(( Bring me ur prisoners.))

Western Sea:
Longboat arrive at the shore at midnight.

Road to the Abbey:
A hedgehog hermit named Dorkul ((couldn't think of anything better)) had fallen asleep after eating a hearty lunch. He was rudely awakened by a ((of all creatures)) weasel. "Unhand me you vermin!" He struggled all the way but was eventually subdues and brought before their leader. "What do you want vixen((I think))?"

((I will never do that again))

(( Krowdon is a Vixen. :3))

Road to the Abbey

Krowdon kneels down so she's eye level with the Hedgehog. " I want your name, spikedog. Then I want you to tell me what you know about Redwall. Dont bother trying to keep the information to yourself, I have ways of getting it out of you, and you wont like them very much."

Road to the Abbey:
The Hedgehog was still defiant. "I ain't no spikedog for your  information...brommtail."

((curse ye! ye forced me to do it again! AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!))

Road to the Abbey:
"Very well." She snaps, and a rat immediately rushes to her side.
"Yes, m'lady?"
" Bring me my bag. Now, hedgepig, you're going to tell me what I want to know. This is your last chance before I get my bag."

Road to the Abbey:
Orkul had no about Redwall Abbey. "I'm not going to take anymore of this ye hear! I want my lawyer! I don't bow my head to vermin like you."

((I so want to see something happen to him:D ))

Road to the Abbey

   The rat returned with Krowdons bag and handed it to her. Krowdon opened the top and dug around inside, until she found what she was looking for.  "You don't bow your head, hmm? Ah! Do you see this?", she asked, holding up a length of metal, with two pronged forks at either end, and a long leather strap around the middle.
   "You dont have to bow your head to me. In fact, you dont have to put your head down at all."
   Placing one pronged side right above Dorkuls breastbone, she tilts his head back until the top prongs are right underneath his chin. The rat who brought her the bag ties the leather strap securely around Dorkuls neck.
   " Try to look down, and the prongs dig into your neck and chest. And my, isnt it getting late? The sun looks like its about to set. I sure hope you dont fall asleep. I'll come check on you in a half hour, and see if you're ready to talk."

An hour later on the road to the abbey:
Orkul was going to crack when he heard a rustle in the bushes. At first he thought it was just his mind playing tricks on him but when he looked over he saw some squirrel warriors. To distract the vixen and her vermin he decided to tell lies to the vixen about Redwall Abbey. " Ahoy vixen I'm ready to talk!"

((Ya don't mind me adding the squirrels in do ya?))

(I don't mind. )

The road to the Abbey
"Oh good. And you better tell the truth, because if you don't, that heretics fork around your neck will be the least of your worries."

Road to the Abbey:

"Those Redwallers, they've got balista, longbows, pikes, spears, javelins, short swords and long swords, shields, rocks, slings, and they even have a badger in the premise." Orkul hoped that would fool them. If not at least the squirrels would kill the vermin. 

((anyone who wants to be the squirrels can))

Meanwhile, back at the ranch Abbey:
"Unhand me, you wild furball!" Martin yelled, while his handsome face was being majestically forced into the ground. "Oh, the little runt tinks he kin outwerd me? Well, news flash, bud, YER MOTHER WER A-"

Back at the ship
"Cap'n. We've landed on the shore," The short, chubby weasel we will name Chubbs the Ravager, "Shall I get some scouts to look around before we leave?

((Sorry, didn't have internet for a while. I will be posting now like a madman, so beware.))

At the ship:
Sure.  Pick twenty able-bodied beasts and a good leader, unlike you. After they are done finding the out the lay of the land have them report back to me.

At le Ship:
"Yessir!" Chubbs replied, hobbling off to send a group to scout out the land, nearly tripping over his own footpaws.
At the Abbey:
After the verbal and physical ravaging of Fresca, the whole Abbey was outside, watching the two arguing and scuffling. Finally, Abbot Jakes walked up to the arguing couple. "All right, break it up. Sister Beech, you know it's not right to invite strangers with a fight. Those hares may like it, but this youngish traveler may not. What is your name, anyways?" The not as handsome mouse got up, dusting off his clothes. "The name's Martin. Martin Matin." Suddenly, he decided to smile and pose, possibly to win the interest of the Abbeybeasts, but instead getting a few giggles. From the men. "How nice to meet you Martin. Did you know that one of the founders of our Abbey was also named Martin?" the abbot inquired, now somewhat interested in the dirty, yet somehow-still-better-looking-than-mouldy-bread face of the mouse before him.

At the Abbey:
A scout of the army of Gaius had been watching the whole thing from the cover of the forest. He sighted an arrow at the Abbot and let it fly. It missed and hit the doorframe. He ran off to report all that had happened to his leader.

Road to the Abbey:
" You better not be lying, Hedgepig. Someone take that device off him and bring him with us. We're reoprting back to Gaius."

(Sorry I am so braindead.)

Road to teh Abbey:
After the contingent started to march the scout came back and whispered in his leader's ear. Then he walked off to prepare to leave.

At the Camp:
Gaius is preparing his troops for battle.
(I know how you feel)

Gaius doesn't know, however, that he is being watched by Warfur Fireblade and his huge horde of feral cats.
"hello" says Warfur as he steps from behind cover, flanked by a score of spear cats, and a score of archers following them.
"Lay down your weapons and surrender"

Warfur, please don't necro posts. The last post was a year ago :P

The way to go is definitely make a new roleplay. I'm sure people would be willing to roleplay with you. I would also recommend creating a sign up topic for your roleplay, that way you don't have people asking to sign up in between a bunch of in character posts, and losing their character information. It just helps keep things organized.

Thank you for the advice