A homeschooler's worst nightmare

[Rakefur]

Written by a girl from my online school. I luv sarcastic people.

For my entire life my mom has told me only heathen parents send their children to public schools. My mom says public schooled children think nothing but sinful ideas. Those kids
forget Jesus in their conversations. I always thought she would keep me far away from such a
spiritually oppressive place; however, mom surprised me when she sent me, (insert her name), to
a public school to take the SATs.

Over the course of seventeen years, my nostrils have only sniffed spoiled diapers, Mom cooking
food, and the animals on our farm. So thinking about the new smell of a public school blew my
mind. I had no idea what to expect. Will kids of all ages attend? Will I take my test on couches,
or something public schools call "desks"? Will other kids have their moms there?

On my little brother's birthday my mom ordered my dad to take my thirteen siblings outside
to take care of the farm animals. I taste-tested the creamy chocolate icing I had made from
homegrown cocoa beans and goat's milk for my brothers cake; swirling it against my taste buds.
Inwardly I ran through the possibilities of what Mom wanted to speak about. Something big is
coming, I thought. My mom sat me down and in a somber voice explained, "You have to go to a
public school to take the SATs. I know you'll have trouble coping with the surroundings there,
but this is best for you." Shell-shocked, I sat down. Suddenly, my heart broke to a million pieces.
Scared, tears began to flow down my pink cheeks. That day I lost my innocence.

Three weeks after my birthday, my mom and I climbed into the car and headed to the local
public school. At first, I wanted to wear my gorgeous culottes in order to fit in with everyone,
but my mom gently rebuked me, warning me not to fall into the pit of peer pressure. So instead,
I wore my best outfit: a beautiful cream-colored dress flowing down to my ankles with my best
white sneakers. I braided my hair in one, nice, long braid down the center of my back and added
a blue bandana to keep the hair out of my eyes.

On the way to the school mom spoke about many things I would experience. When I walked in, I
saw couples holding hands, hugging, and, to my horror, even kissing. As I silently made my way
down the hallway, I picked up words from many conversations. Many of the boys I heard talking
mentioned Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin. I do not know them, but everyone either loved or hated
them.

At one point during my journey down the hallway, a girl named Bella stopped to talk to
me. "Hey," Bella inquired of me, "What kind of outfit is that?"
"It's my best outfit," I replied solemnly. At that, Bella burst into hysterical laughter. I

immediately told her to stop because my mother made me this fine dress.
"So, do you have any friends?" Bella asked.
"Yes," I stated proudly, for my mother had prepared me for this question. ."Every one of my
siblings is a friend to me. But my mom is my best friend."

After burning a few calories from laughter, Bella picked up the conversation where she had
left it off and peppered me with questions. "Do all your brothers wear camo? Do you sleep in
everyday? What is it like to have no friends? Do you even understand what I am saying?"

I had enough of her questions, so I quickly and harshly answered them and turned to continue
walking. After walking ten feet, I felt deeply convicted about the harsh attitude I used with Bella,
and fell to my knees in repentance. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I arrived at the
classroom where I would take my test. As I entered the room, my eyes blinked rapidly. Not only
did I hear sinful words spoken such as "darn" and "gosh," I also saw the sin all over the student's
bodies. Some had tattoos, others had piercings in their ears and other places, and some girls had
jeans as tight as the skin God gave them. None of those sinful things, however, compared to the
oddness of strange white strings hanging from both boys' and girls' ears.

As I sat down where I would take my test, I experienced first hand the hurt public school
kids go through daily. No matter how hard I tried to find it, this "desk" would not offer me one
bit of comfort. Oak wood with large, silver bolts dug into me as I sat in anticipation of this test. I
grasped the side of my chair and suddenly felt a slightly wet pile of goo called gum.

Despite the heathen students around me and the uncomfortable desks, I decided to focus on my
favorite part of school: the tests. Since I finished before the other kids in the room, I figure my
focus on school at home has paid off completely. Without the fourteen hours I put into school
at home every day, I know I never would have finished the test quickly. Because I had indeed
completed it before anybody else, I had an opportunity to look around the room and pray for
the hurting people. I regretfully cringed and frowned at many people in the room. Quickly after,
though, I prayed for forgiveness.

Finally, the day came to an end, and Mom picked me up. Immediately I told her about everything
I experienced—hectic hallways, no couches, lack of babies, and absolutely no mothers. All of the
new sights, smells, and sounds caused me to break down in the car. Without a doubt in my mind,
I knew my mom would put me through intense biblical counseling to move past this terribly
traumatic event.

While I know everything I went through taught me good lessons, I will never submit my children
to such a thing. Since I went through four years of intense biblical counseling, I now know I have
fully recovered. I have learned I can use my experiences to help teach my younger siblings about
the dangers of the world as well. Oh, and my counselor told me the name of the white strings
people had in their ears; she said the devil uses the strings as a passage way to speak directly into
people's minds. Some people call them ear buds.

She comments:

hahaha. noo, guys. this is completely opposite of me. I just thought it'd be funny to write.

yeah, I absolutely know that homeschoolers have flaws. That's why this article was an April Fools article to demonstrate the absolute craziness of both homeschoolers and public schoolers. Neither of which I'm not bashing. Just putting what they can be to the extremes. ;P

Nuff said.

[Peace Alliance]

I wasn't sold. It was written from the perspective of a sheltered Amish girl, but usin the language of a typical modern girl. It was a nice try, I guess.

[Genevieve]

Yeah it's kinda dumb. What was the point of it again?

[Gen. Volkov]

Poorly written and not funny.

[Shadow]

Poorly written and not funny.

grumpy and old

[Gen. Volkov]

Both true statements.

[Rakefur]

hmm. Must be just home school humor. You guys wouldn't get it.  :P

[Ashyra Nightwing]

Wow, home-school humour must be the smuggest form of humour ever

I'm not sure what part of that article demonstrates the craziness of public schoolers either